Business Cards Revisited

While on the topic of business cards, has anyone noticed that nobody ever reads them? I think the general life cycle of your typical business card is:

1. Card is received.
2. Card is carelessly filed away in wallet (unread).
3. Wallet becomes disorganized.
4. Owner of wallet takes fat stack of business cards out, glances them over, probably can't remember who gave it to him/her.
5. Card is tossed in the garbage.

See, it's only the act of giving the cards that impresses people. So instead of clearing out my wallet, I just randomly hand out cards from it. Two birds with one stone, essentially. So far, I've been:

-David Lake, Applications Support Analyst (sorry Dave, I'll have to hit you up for a new card)
-Ricardo Gonzalez, Spray Equipment Salesman
-Sara Chan, Stock Broker (and mom)
-"$2.00 off your next haircut" coupon (expired)

I usually hand them out at parties packed with people I'll probably never meet again. In most cases, I introduce myself as I normally would (but with other people's cards). People take the cards, put them away and I would imagine months later, wonder when they ever met [insert name from card]. On a few odd occasions, though, I introduce myself as whoever it is on that card, weaving intricate tales of their past exploits at whatever position it was they held. Most people don't fall for it though. I guess a Chinese guy named "Aleksandra Zaranska" would pass off as a bit suspicious.

Business Cards

As I mentioned in my previous post, the boss is cheap. So cheap in fact, he won't spend $20 on business cards for the company's Systems Administrator (me). In retaliation, I've started stealing the sales guy's cards, whiting out their names and titles, and filling in my own personal information. I've got a bunch made out for:

Jon Chan, God Among Men
Jon Chan, Great Supreme Leader
Jon Chan, Not Your Bitch
Jon Chan, God's Greatest Gift to Mediocrity

I should probably keep that last one to myself... .

Getting a Raise

Seeing as the boss is so cheap, asking for a raise here is a fool's errand... But it's always worth a try.

Some time last year, I taped this picture of myself to my filing cabinet with a makeshift "Employee of the Month" Post-It note placard.

I pointed it out to the boss and suggested that the employee of the month deserves a raise.

For future reference, "AHAHAHAHAHAHA" means "No."

M's Christmas Present

M had a lovely conversation with the back of my head earlier this morning. From what I caught, he missed a TV interview of his new favourite actress last night (Kiera Knightly). Somehow the discussion turned to the topic of Christmas. Specifically, what he'll be getting himself for Christmas. On the top of his list: A hooker.

I don't understand how things could have gone on such an odd tangent as I was literally nodding my head in agreement the entire time. I think I'm going to have to start bringing a tape recorder around.

Jon Chan: International Man of Colour

The non-dictionary term for my condition is "Banana" ...or would that be "Bananified?" ...let's not argue semantics.

For those of you unfamiliar with this probably politically incorrect allegory, Bananas are yellow on the outside and white on the inside. Given my Asian heritage, I'll let you fill in the blanks.

As a Banana, any understanding I have for the Chinese culture, let alone any other Asian culture for that matter is purely vestigial. Sure, I understand enough Cantonese to know when I'm being insulted and yeah, I know a couple of cultural nuances to bring up in conversation but for the most part, I am Asian by appearance only. I suppose you can imagine my frustration when my co-workers forget this. Constantly.

People here expect me to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of all things Asian. This means, to them, I'm a master of Feng Shui, martial arts, cooking, Eastern philosophy, geography, history, etc. etc. etc. I am that shining beacon of culture in an otherwise cultural wasteland. Embarrased by my own ignorance, I start making stuff up.

The worst time of year for me in this respect is the period right before Chinese New Year. When asked what date it falls on, I usually respond with "It's a week after Chinese Christmas." It's funny how many people fall for it. I also tell them it’s customary for "Saw Gwei Lo" (them) to buy me dinner. I'm such an ass.

A few months back, I was given Japanese and Korean texts to translate. The assumption being that my magic decoder slanty eyes would make things easier for me to read them.

Today, S asked what I did for Thanksgiving (yesterday). I think he was expecting something strange and exotic. His interest gave way to disappointment when I told him I had turkey with all the fixin's.

Co-Workers Gone Wild - Caught on Camera

I've seen these little black bars used in medical literature and Asian newspapers. I wonder if they work. My guess is no.

This is M sneaking up on me last Thursday. I heard him harassing the receptionist so I prepped my camera for his inevitable visit. He usually says one of the following four things when he does this:

1. "Got any mail?" really loud. I've never had mail. He knows this.
2. "CAUGHT YOU!!!1shift+1"
3. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!!!"
4. "BOO!"

He sometimes just stands there and watches me for a couple of minutes (creepy, I know). He loves the reaction. I don't.

So my friend Photoshop says this will be posted in the lunchroom tomorrow.

Oh, and this is NAMBLA, for those of you who are curious.

Oh Snap!

Got this floater in my inbox on Friday:

"Thank you for your interest in this career opportunity at [--]!

Our placement process is designed to carefully assess each applicant's skills, abilities and interests, relative to the opportunity requested.

Your background and skills sets were carefully reviewed; unfortunately at this time we are unable to offer you the position to which you recently applied. "

The good news is, you'll be treated to another couple more months of M stories and my further descent into madness.

I'm actually quite relieved I didn't get this job because I think my alternate plan is far more exciting. More on that at the end of the month. It's a secret (shhhh).

D's Wife Thinks I'm Hot

Well, she did, anyway.

A while back, D told me that she asked about the guy who answers the phone (during the receptionist's lunch hour). Apparently he sounds hot. I guess my unusually baritone voice has that effect on women.

She was rather disappointed when we finally met at the office Christmas party last year. She wasn't expecting a Chinaman.