This Is Why I Can't Get a Date

I spent a whole week with my camera in the glove compartment, waiting for my odometer to hit this. I ended up driving circles around a neighbourhood at 1 in the morning with Dave and my brother to get this shot.

Yes, I'm a huge dork and damn proud of it!

The Slacker's Toolbox

I burned myself out quite early on in my career here due to lack of recognition, low salary and M. From my observations, motivation tends to drop dramatically when one is rewarded with more work for being an efficient member of staff. Now I spend most of my time creating the illusion that I'm being productive. I'm like David Blaine... but less exciting.

These are my top secret tools of the trade:

1. A DOS based, text only web browser with the executable file renamed to "NTCONFIG.EXE" It looks quite official in the taskbar when M and the boss poke their heads in my office. I often use it to browse fark or look up naughty words in wikipedia.
2. Excel spreadsheet -The numbers on the screen make me look like I'm being productive when I'm only doing my personal budgeting. It's also useful to switch to when somebody comes to check up on me.
3. Notepad.exe - For typing up long blog posts and emails. I used to write some really elaborate emails before I started the blog. I'll dig a few up when I run out of material.
   
4. Scrap pieces of paper with random part numbers, quantities and invoice numbers - It looks like I'm looking into some stock problems. Looks like.
   
5. Voided shipping orders - I carry them around the building as if I have a purpose every couple of hours. Then I go back to my nap.
6. MSN - Mostly for bugging Jeremy and Dave when they're supposed to be working. My bad.
7. Alt+Tab - Switching between windows when M pops up comes in handy. I think muscle memory has conditioned my hand to automatically go to the alt+tab position (see below) as soon as I get on a keyboard.
   
8. Pocket PC - For Bejeweled and Megaman 2 sessions in the bathroom. Also used for tapping into the neighbouring office's unsecured wireless router to check email.
9. Phone - For pretending I'm on hold. Suckers.

Remember. It's only wrong if you get caught.

Stress Reduction

The company has an ample supply of these foamy blue dealies and I've got an ample supply of time on my hands (not really, I've just gotten complacent since I gave notice). I set this up so I could have a place to bang my head (in lieu of my desk) without the risk of getting a concussion:

Some chump borrowed my tape dispenser and placed it right where it would hurt the most. grr.

Horrors

The boss and I were discussing discrepancies with the company's expense figures when the topic shifted to matters of road rage. I wasn't paying much attention but I think it had something to do with implements one would use while "raging." You know, the kind you keep in the trunk of your car. The ones that inflict "blunt force trauma" and are subsequently discarded in a dumpster like in those crime dramas on tv. He tells me he has a "bullcock" in the back of his truck for such a purpose and asks if I would like to see it. I figure it's just an unfortunately named tool and I graciously decline. The look on his face says it's not a tool, as I had thought. It says "there is an actual, honest to goodness bovine wing wong in the back of my truck and I plan on accosting a fellow human being with it." I guess he finds the indignity of being beat down with a monster schlong on the side of the road hilarious. Actually, it is pretty funny when you think about it...

Seriously though, whatever happened to talking about the weather and the local sports teams?

Decisions Decisions

M hasn't given me a moment's solace since I gave notice last week. I figure he needs to get as much computer advice as possible before my probably less patient successor takes over. It's odd because I actually haven't given him any useful information for months now. Sometimes I just go nuts on my clicky pen until he goes away.

So M's dilemma du jour involves his computer, which is currently undergoing some sort of minor warranty work in the shop. He's planning on buying a $300 computer for the interim. Let me remind you that he's middle aged, up to his eyeballs in debt, lives with his parents and gets paid slightly more than minimum wage. I doubt he can afford this temporary computer. He comes to me because my opinion is important, or rather, he wants me to validate his decision.

There was a time when I would've talked him out of it. You know, tell him that it'll only be a few more days, use his dad's computer in the mean time and save his money for something important like a downpayment for his own place. Now I just say whatever it takes to get rid of him as quickly as possible. My response to today's problem was:

"$300? That's a sweet deal! Do it up, man!"

I guess two and a half years of dealing with him has jaded me somewhat. I reserve my compassion for people who matter now.

Lack of Resources

According to my calculations, our IT budget for the year to date is around $12.51. This figure includes the hot glue, duct tape, 5 minute epoxy, paper clips and pennies I have used to repair the old computers here.

Our unwritten rule here is "If it ain't broke, don't fix it. If it is, just glue a bunch of stuff on it until it works." Fire hazards I've created using this method include:

Order desk computer #3
Problem: Computer not turning on.
Solution: Hotglue penny to power button to keep it on at all times, add paperclips to taste. Power off by unplugging.

Winnipeg branch printer
Problem: Manual paper feed not functioning.
Solution: 5 minute epoxy it into submission.

Boss' cousin's computer (not work related but resolved during office hours)
Problem: Out of drive bays for secondary hard drive.
Solution: Duct tape drive to side of case. I should note that this is very dangerous and shouldn't be attempted at home - duct tape insulates heat and the drive will probably suffer as a result - it was insisted that it be done this way.

Waitress from cafe next door's home computer (again, not work related but under the boss' orders)
Problem: Replacement power supply doesn't fit in case.
Solution: Hacksaw the case until it fits. Duct tape power supply inside.

Upgrades here are equally welfare. I upgraded a Windows 98 machine two months ago... To Windows 98 SE.

Another side effect of our lack of funding is the aging computer I have been assigned. I figure it's around eight years old. As far as technology goes, this fine piece of machinery belongs in the Smithsonian alongside the Cotton Gin and cave paintings. I would imagine its museum display would include a sign reading something to the effect of: "A tool used by lower primates in the late 20th century. Little is known of its origin and usage but experts believe it was a huge piece of crap."