Coupon

I made this for a co-worker from a previous job. Let's just say if I took him to court, I'd be on the witness stand pointing at a doll's bathing suit area... To clarify, the doll would look like me.

My email is agentyellow [at] gmail.com if you'd like a printable copy.

TMI

I don't know if it's something to do with my outwardly friendly demeanor (I pretend I care) or if I release some type of calming pheromone that makes people a little too comfortable... but my co-workers seem to divulge too much personal information about themselves. Information I really should not be privy to.

Case in point, during my first week here, "D" strolls into my office and starts to introduce himself.

D: "Hi, I'm D."
Jon: "Hi, D. Nice meeting you"
D: "I have MS"
Jon: *taken aback* "Oh...I'm uh... Sorry to hear th-"
D: "I can't feel it when I have sex with my wife."
Jon: *finds out what vomit tastes like*

There were about two more minutes of conversation but he lost me within the span of those three sentences. I feel bad for the guy, I really do, but there must be a better way to fish for sympathy.

I recall spending five minutes out of my lunch hour earlier this year helping M "troubleshoot" the source of a strange odour in his room. It turns out he's got bad gas and his chair needs reupholstering. Classy.

Another conversation with M devolved from talking about Fox cancelling Family Guy to Fox cancelling Dark Angel (it was his favourite show at the time) to Jessica Alba to hiding his adult videos from his mom (behind his Dark Angel tapes) to his favourite scene from said videos in full gory detail (it involves two guys, a girl, a boat and all sorts of things I wouldn't imagine physically possible... or legal for that matter).

These are things you can't take back.

Things to do when you're bored at work Part IV

There comes a point, usually some time during the mid afternoon lull, when productivity drops to zero. My eyes glaze over and jaw goes slack. Coherent thought dissipates. This is where I'm at right now.

For the past twenty minutes, I've been drawing smiley mouths and angry eyebrows on Post-It notes then pasting them to my face. It's like Prozac without the nasty side effects. I deserve an award.

Not more than five minutes ago, a co-worker walked into my office to submit some paperwork for processing. I suspect he won't be establishing eye contact with me for the next couple of days.

It's funny that my general malaise has numbed any embarrassment I probably should have felt. Maybe I should make a Post-It note to reflect that.

Things to do when you're bored at work Part III

I told you, officer, he fell down the stairs.

4:55

Y

M's New Talent

So I'm working away on a defective branch computer today (fried RAM module) when I hear something behind me. Something that sounds like *poot* but I'm not too sure. The radio's on loud and I'm prone to imagining stuff like that. I go back to work and things are fine for a good 20 seconds. Then the smell overwhelms me. This is no figment of my imagination.

On the verge of blacking out, I step out of my office to get a breath of fresh air. Lo and behold, M's standing there with a huge smirk on his face. He's apparently just added the "Drive By Fart" to his repertoire.

I swear. M is the idiot savante of douchebaggery. Under that mildly retarded exterior lies pure genius.