Monster Hairlip

Facial hair, or rather, lack thereof, is a racial handicap of mine (bad driving also falls under this category - I'm a little too liberal when it comes to using hazard lights). Every so often, I like to reaffirm that yes, we Asian men are still categorized as "hairless apes."

It has been six weeks since I last shaved. At first, it was part of my plan to lull my co-workers into a false sense of security. See, a few colleagues had noticed my recent dissatisfaction with working conditions and suspected I was looking elsewhere. Word would spread to the boss and he'd probably give me a hard(er) time as a result. As a counter-measure, I decided a lapse in personal hygiene was in order. The thought being that it would surely make job interviews an exercise in futility therefore putting their concerns to rest. I guess it doesn't matter now anyway.

As the weeks progressed, my thick and luxurious beard (read: patchy and nasty) and complementary moustache (read: hairlip) have resulted in unintended benefits.

For instance, I spend quite a fair bit of time stroking my "beard" in quiet contemplation at my desk. When somebody steps into my office, they apologize for interrupting and tell me that they'll come back when I'm not so busy. From their perspective, I'm mulling over some important issue with our system. I'm usually thinking about lunch or whether I remembered to lock the door when I left home.

Another benefit of the beard is the constant distraction it provides in workplace conversation.

Example:

Joe Blow Co-worker: "Uh, hey Jon. Could you go over this... Ah.."
*eyes wander downward*
Joe Blow Co-worker: "Uh...this...umm...."
Me: "I'm up here"
Joe Blow Co-worker: "...huh?"

They often start subconsciously scratching their chins at this point.

I'm sure my co-workers have started calling me "patches" behind my back. I would prefer they call me "Blackbeard" as it would give me sufficient justification to talk like a pirate all day. Yar.