Adventures in HR

So I'm the acting "HR manager" at the moment (as well as sys admin, receptionist, inventory tracker, office administrator, accountant, copier repairman, doormat - I still only get the one paycheque unfortunately). I dedicate about 15-30 minutes every morning to sorting out all of the job applications for further processing. I keep telling my boss that if he aims too low, he's going to blow his foot off. This advice falls on deaf ears and the employee turn over is at an all time high.

I've compiled a few lessons I've learned over the course of my HR duties. The examples are real. All major identifiers have been removed to avoid legal recourse.

1. HR departments are not AOL chat rooms.

Example:

hello sir
this is [--] from INDIA sir i have read about job ad. in ur company on net. Sir im looking to join ur company as i belonges to very poor family & looking to 2job outside of my country & earn money for my family coz its hard 2get decent job here in india plzzz allow me to do work with u there i will me very very thankful to u ifu allow me that. Hoping for positive response from u sir.
Tnx soooo...much.
urs
[--]

2. Spell your name right.

Example:
Name on cover letter: Salvatore [--]
Name on resume: Salatore [--]

3. Use spellcheck, remove email sigs.

Example:

Hello my name is [--]. I am very intrested in the warehouse lerk position you have advertised. I have 5 months wharehouse experience, however I curently live in BC, and will move to calgary as soon as I get a job (I can be ready to work within 24 hours). My resume is attached. I thank you for your consideration

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
A .44 magnum beats a royal flush.

F - See me after class

I brought out the red pen for this one. Note how warehouse is almost spelled like whorehouse. Also, note email sig.

4. First impressions are important. At least make the effort to sound a little bit professional.

Example:

Hi, My name is [--]. i was reading your ad and wanted to apply but i have a criminal record standing from an event when I was 18 yrs old. i am now 34. i also do not drive but i am very mechanically inclined. i have completed 500 hrs towards my Heavy Duty first year. that particual trade held no interest for me. i am including my resume please feel free to read it. i know i do not meet your needs but i wanted to try anyways lol
[--]

How I read it:

Hi, my name is [--], I'm going to rob you blind and take down the company from the inside. I probably won't be at work on time that much but I guess I could do work if/when I show up. I did some industry related stuff but then I didn't feel like doing it any more. Meh. I attached some stuff about me just in case this cover letter doesn't put you off. I know I'm not the guy for your job but hire me anyway OMGWTFBBQLOLZROFFLE!!!1 shift+1.

Perhaps I exaggerate too much.

5. Use your real name for your job searching email account

Example:
From: "Deadneck Fury" <[--]@hotmail.com>
From: "Sinful Glory" <[--]@yahoo.ca>

Actually... I wanted to call the second one in for an interview...

Commit these lessons to memory otherwise some slob in HR is going to laugh your resume right to the paper shredder.