The Journal of M

Meet "M"

M has been working here for over 15 years. He's pushing 40, never had a girlfriend, lives with his parents and still works a near minimum wage level position for the company. He's in debt due to his reckless spending habits (2 candy bars + 1 bag of Doritos + 1 jug of chocolate milk for breakfast from the convenience store daily, 1 Subway meal deal and 1 2L Pepsi for lunch daily, consumer electronics on credit, etc.) yet he blames everybody else for this problem. Scapegoats include the government, the company, me (for making more than him). M gurgles when he talks and has problems controlling the level of his voice. Nobody at work respects him. The above items are probably the reasons he curses his lot in life on a daily basis. I'm not using these as Ad Homonym arguments against him. These are just observations to set a backdrop to the story.

When I first started here as a doe eyed college grad back in 2003, I felt a little bad for M. Since nobody really treated him with any respect, I thought I'd try to be nice. You know, small talk, a cheerful greeting in the morning, that kind of stuff. Because of this, M had the idea that "we're cool." Best of buds and so forth. He acts like we're both 12 years old. The main thing is, no, we're not cool. I only put up with him for the sake of workplace professionalism. It doesn't quite sink in despite my displays of displeasure to his behavior.

Here is a breakdown of M's childish antics today:

7:45 AM
M locks the door to the building just as I'm about to open it. Har har.

7:46 AM
Me: "Good Morning, M"
M: "What's so good about it?"
*Awkward silence*

7:50 AM (my pre work Internet surfing / newspaper reading / quiet time)
M sneaks up behind me, reads my screen (personal email from my brother), turns off office lights and scares the bejesus out of me. The contents of the email will probably become fodder for lunchroom conversation later in the day. I don't take part in these discussions.

8:00 AM
M holds the door shut to the server room so I can't get in to do backup.

8:20 AM
M blocks the path to the order desk. Puts up fisticuffs. Thinks it's funny. Note to self: buy crow bar, rubber gloves, duct tape, rope and solvents. Meet M in parking lot after work.

8:25 AM
M stands behind me while I'm reviewing purchase orders. He invades my personal space [leaning against me, rhythmically bumping his hips against mine, punching my kidneys]. Very creepy.

9:47 AM
M enters my office. Loudly announces that he's checking up on me. Leaves. Thanks, M.

10:35 AM
M pulls on my hoodie drawstring. I remain "lopsided" for the balance of the day.

12:00 PM
While going to the fridge to get my lunch.
M: "Hey Jon"
Jon: "Yeah, M?"
M: "Go for lunch"
This is a daily ritual. It gets old.

12:08 PM
MSN.com is on my screen
M: "CAUGHT YA!"
Jon: *spills lunch*
M: "I SAW BRITNEY SPEARS ON YOUR SCREEN!"
Jon: [series of F-bombs]

12:35 PM (lunch)
M asks about problems he's having with his home Internet connection. This is the only time he's nice to me (knocks the door, says, "excuse me" and "please").

I respond with:
"Aw dude, If you've already gone through your TCP/IP configuration, you have to check your NAT table settings on your router. Is 128 bit WEP encryption set up properly?"

*Silence*

"Of course, your TCP/IP stack could be corrupted. If that's the case, you may have to download a fix for that."

His modem probably just needs a reboot.

The art in doing this is to talk real fast, pull as many tech acronyms out of your ass as possible and make it sound like this is common knowledge. He usually leaves more confused than when he arrived. Passive Aggressive ++.

1:45 PM
M says that B is looking for me. Problem is, B isn't. He's in the can.

2:25 - 2:36 PM
M complains loudly about the Klein administration, high gas prices, today's Sunshine Girl's cans. Enter boss. Exit M.

3:16 PM
Noises heard directly behind my chair. Reflection on the screen says M is standing behind me.

3:52 PM
M: "Hey Jon"
Jon: "Yeah, M?"
M: "You suck"
Jon: *continues working*

4:13 PM
Light switch mysteriously goes off. M seen walking away from office.

4:59 PM
M: "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya."
Jon: (under breath) "STFU, M"
M holds the door shut so I can't get out
This, again, is a daily practice.

The above is representative of a typical day with M

Buddhists would say that I should thank M for helping me meditate on patience. I wonder if M should thank me if I helped him meditate on the impermanent structural integrity of his face.